Spiritual Injuries

I am not usually one to talk about myself, but the last 6 months have been really interesting to say the least. About 9 months ago I began to have some back pain. I was working out about 4-5 times a week pretty heavily and assumed it was just a muscle strain or pull. It continuosly got worse but doctors told me it was just a strain and I should ice it and rest.

I found out about 3 months later that I had ruptured the L5-S1 disk in my lower back and would need to have surgery. First of all, I hate doctors, not the people, the idea of needing to go to one. I don't like to have problems that I can't fix on my own. Doctors and mechanics both rank very low on my excitement meter. Secondly, since I don't like doctors, I had rarely been to a doctor and had never had surgery. These two things led me to some serious questions and fears but I really didn't have much time to process things because I met with my doctors on Tuesday at 2:30 and recieved a call that night after he looked at my MRI that he wanted me in surgery the next morning at 9:30 AM, the day before Thanksgiving.

The next day was such a blur, here is what I remember:

- I remember getting to the hospital

- I remember putting on a gown (I still can't figure out after all the medical advances we have had why no one has come up with a better garment than this)

- I remember hanging out with my wife and friends Tyler & Jacintha and laughing a lot

- I remember my dad praying with me

- I remember being terrified of having my IV put in because I have a massive fear of needles

- I remember the really large gay guy that gave me my drugs and wheeled me back, and I remember inviting him to come hear me lead worship or play music around town

Then I don't remember anything. The surgery took a little longer than they thought because things were so messed up back there, and ultimately they were not able to fix everything like they would have wanted. Because my disc had ruptured so badly, they could not seal my disc, I would have to be on bed rest for 2 weeks and for the next 10-12 weeks I would have to be really careful because my disc could reopen at anytime.

As soon as I came out the first thing I saw was Mr. Lockwood Holmes, my mentor and discipler of 4 years. I remember being so glad he was there. I then saw Rachael (my wife), Tyler & Jazz (our friends), and my parents. I was really nautious so I had to get some more medicine and after a few hours Rachael, Tyler, and Jazz helped me get into the car and helped me get home and into bed. I was in and out of it that night, I couldn't sleep because of the pain in my back, I remember falling in the bathroom, I was still nautious from the anesthesia, etc...

I spent the next 2 weeks on bed/couch rest and could very minimally move. The worst part was where my incision was on my lower back, they didn't have to cut any muscles, but had to move them around to get access to my spine. This caused and still causes my lower back muscles to ball up into a knot when I over exert my back. At that point in my recovery it was like constantly having a baseball size knot in my lower back. Being a very driven person, I had a very difficult time just sitting at home and resting. I thanked God for allowing me to be alive today when they had this surgery first of all and I didn't just have to live life with pain, but also for being alive today where we have wireless internet so I could work from home.

I spent the following 6-8 weeks slowly learning how to live again. I couldn't pick anything up heavier than a coffee cup (per my doctors instructions) but that rule quickly went out the window because everything is heavier than a coffee cup other than coffee cups. I would try and do something very routine and normal only to find out that I was really sore and exhausted. It was very frustrating.

At the 8 week point I was able to start physical therapy because they hoped that by then my disc would have scarred over and hopefully would be able to handle the stretching and straining. This was actually really fun, because I had great therapists and because I really was wanting at this point to get on with my life and hopefully get back into the gym. After 5 visits they cleared me and just gave me some healthy tips and stretches for my back.

Yesterday, March 14th I went for a run for the first time since my problem was diagnosed back in October. In October I was in the best shape of my life (except for my back pain). I had gotten up to over 200 lbs. with a body fat level under 8%. I was running at least 3.5 miles a day increasing distance up to 9 or 10 miles. All that said, when I went to run for the first time in 6 months yesterday I was really dissapointed. I was really winded at the 1 mile marker but kept pushing it, I ran/walked the rest of the way through my 2.5 mile track. I got home and was so dissapointed in myself. I couldn't believe how low my cardio was and just was depressed that I was back at the starting block in getting in shape.

It was then that God began to reveal something to me, that is how our lives are spiritually. I have had a lot of close friends to have serious spiritual injuries in the last few years. Sin may be a nagging injury but if it's not dealt with it will dibilitate you. My injury just like my sins and your sins started small and grew into something much worse. It's just the nature of sin, they have roots that start off small as just seeds but eventually grow deeper and get stronger and sprout buds.

I had a really mild nagging back pain at first. I just pushed through thinking that it was weakness that would be worked out. When I didn't deal with it, it got worse and worse. I finally asked someone about it, but I trusted their surface level advice instead of looking inside to see what was wrong. My doctor told me to ice it and rest. I should have asked for an MRI to be sure, but I was glad to hear that was all I needed to do. We do the same thing with our sin, we know somethings wrong but when friends tell us what we want to hear, or to do what makes us happy we willingly take that advice instead of going deeper to the real problem. Our flesh will regularly make anything other than Jesus the ultimate thing. It's just our rebelious nature. The scary thing is that we can get really good advice, but if it doesn't point us to the cross, it's no good.

My injury crippled me. I couldn't walk without massive amounts of pain, I couldn't sit down for long with out hurting, I couldn't sleep because when I laid down my weight was pushing my nerves in my back into my spine and ultimately the ruptured disc. I couldn't take anything for the pain because pain killers don't do anything for nerve pain. I really felt crippled. Sin starts as a foothold (Ephesians 4:27) but quickly becomes spiritual domination. As I alluded to, I have had quite a few friends and have seen more christian ministries and walks destroyed in the last few years than ever before. Part of that may have to do with my age and the fact that I am actually payign attention to those things now, but it's been very discouraging and depressing to see such good friends choose sin. Some persued sin and silently drifted away, others had sin blowouts that created spiritual traffic (and ultimately accidents) for others around them. I had no clue when my back started hurting that I could go to someone trusted, have them examine me deeply, and have them help me to get things right so that I could keep on living. I always wonder why my friends never came to me to ask me to help them when the problem was fixable?

Ultimately I was able to have surgery to hopefully fix my back. I was told that because of the nature of my rupture that there is a 10% chance each year that I may have to have another surgery, so in 5 years I will have a 50% chance of reherniation/rupture. Since the surgery my back and legs have been awesome! I have had very minimal pain and have been able to get back to living. There is an answer for sin too, the cross. Christ came to solve sin problems. We were designed to live in a Biblical community that examins our lives/hearts through the scriptures, that interceeds for one another, that loves one another, that gives to one another, that disciples one another, that helps each other walk, etc... I ultimately had friends tell me about my problem, tell me about solutions for my problem, I had family and friends to pray with me about my problem, etc... I even had Tyler to talk me through things because he had brain surgery 2 months before with the same doctors. At no point was my problem an isolated issue for me, it was always a community problem that my friends, church, and family helped me through. As soon as I woke up my mentor (Mr. Holmes) was there to pray with me, and he called (and still calls) once a week to ask me about my back. I had friends send me meals to help me through the first 2 weeks. I even had professional therapists help me learn to move, run, lift, etc... There was no way I could have made it without them. There is no way we will make it through our sin without help. Satan is predictable, and his usual method of sinful cycles starts with isolation. If he can get you isolated you will feel like no one will understand or be able to help. Then you have no other option than sin and isolation. This is a lie and has to be dealt with first.

I had 2 weeks of bed rest and ultimately 10-12 weeks of recovery that was really slow, painful, and frustrating. Sin has some wicked (no pun intended) consequences, effects, and roots. When you confess or are caught in sin, you have two choices: sin or Christ. No one can make that decision for you, you have to choose. When you make the decision for Christ there is immediate victory but there will be a fight for freedom. It starts with mortifying the flesh. We have to go after the sins, not just the outward expressions but the inward attitudes and desires. It will be painful, frustrating, and slow but if we walk through this time with some close friends for accountability we can through Christ grow. I have already pointed out that it can't be done alone, the desire to get better alone reveals a prideful heart that says "I'm OK" instead of "I'm a sinner, I'm not ok, I need Christ." Together we can work through things. It means digging up root sins, slowly and cautiously replacing them with Christ, and allowing Him to changing our lives to look more His.

So, I started running again yesterday... it was rough but I did it. Spiritual injuries will be the same way. If you were a minister, leader, etc... your recovery time and pain in getting back to running will take time but there was nothing more fulfilling than running again for the first time and knowing where things are headed for me. You will have a lot of healing to do and will have to deal with the windedness of learning things from the other side of a spiritual landmine but the pursuit of Christ will never be sweeter.

Keep in mind that every year there is a chance of reherniation for me and spiritually there will be for you. Paul warned the Ephesian church to constantly remember (Ephesians 2:11-22) because as we start to get better our sins get more subtle and move us to feeling great about ourselves instead of our great Savior. That is pride. My doctor warned me that at 8-10 weeks I will start feeling great again and stop thinking about my back and that is where 85% of reherniations happen. Never forget. Never forget your past, your sins, your salvation, and your constant forgivenness for sins. We have to constantly keep the cross as our focus, and if we do we will hopefully decrease the likelihood of spiritual herniations.

His grace is greater than all my sins and your sins.

As Jonathan Edwards put it "trials tend to increase it's (salvation's) beauty by establishing and confirming it, and making it more lively and vigorous, and purifying it from those things that obscured its lustre and glory." (The Religous Affections)

Trey